


Light in the Darkness

by Phantomangelgoddess



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blood, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Language, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 13:10:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6521077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantomangelgoddess/pseuds/Phantomangelgoddess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader is in love with Castiel and would do anything for him, even sell her soul for him if she has to, but with that devotion comes a price.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Light in the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so I wrote this the other day and posted it on tumbler. It got so much good feedback I decided to post it here, so I hope yall enjoy!!

“What the hell have you done now” you gasp your voice sounding broken as you rush over to your angel, who was currently laying in a pool of his own blood.

“You needed someone as a distraction,” Castiel chokes out coughing up more blood as his grace shines through his multiple wounds.

“You idiot, we needed a distraction not for you to get yourself killed,” you choke holding back the tears as you try to bandage the worst of the wounds.

Castiel grabs your hand stopping you, “Cas what-,” you start to say the tears flowing down your face now as you see his blue eyes filled with pain.

“I-I just wanted to tell you that…I love you, Y/n, I always have…and I always will,” Castiel gasps out before you feel his hand go limp in yours, you watch as his beautiful blue eyes go unfocused and then blank as he stops breathing. 

“Cas-no…no, no, no, you can’t leave me,” you whisper frantically trying to get him to come back.

“DEAN,” you yell over your shoulder and you hear the older Winchester running towards you, he stops when he sees Castiel laying there and you sobbing.

“Y/n,” Dean starts as you turn around to glare at him.

“Help me,” you hiss between your teeth, “we can still bring him back, Dean please,” you plead as the older Winchester just shakes his head slowly.

“Y/n, he’s gone, I’m sorry,” Dean apologized sinking to his knees beside you, he holds you as you scream and cry.

***  
It has been two days since Castiel had died, all you had done was hide in your room and cry. You knew you looked awful with your hair a mess and your eyes bloodshot. You quietly get up and get dressed before you grab your car keys. You sneak through the bunker, knowing if either of the brothers had caught you, they would never let you leave.

You manage to make it to your car without waking either of the brothers and you speed out into the night searching for the nearest crossroads.

You find one less than an hour away from the bunker, you quickly dig up a spot right in the middle and place the box holding everything you needed to summon a crossroads demon in the hole. You pull your jacket tighter as you wait.

“Well, now love if this isn’t a surprise,” Crowley’s voice startles you and you spin around to find the King of Hell standing behind you.

“Crowley, look I’m here to make a deal okay,” you get right to the point when Crowley raises his hand to stop you.

“Love, I know exactly why you are here, you want to bring your precious angel back from the dead,” Crowley declares looking bored as he study’s one of his hands.

“You do know that it will cost you, it’s not an easy thing to bring an angel back from the dead after all,” Crowley drones on as you sigh looking at your watch knowing the Winchesters will start looking for you soon.

“Yes, Crowley I get that, I just want him back okay, I need him back, I don’t need ten years or whatever just give me a little time with him at least,” you whisper tears pooling in your y/e/c eyes. 

Crowley looks over at you surprise flashing through his eyes, “you really do love the angel, don’t you,” he asks stepping closer to you.

You nod wiping your face with your jacket, “alright love, I’ll make you a deal, I bring your little angel back from the dead and you get one month with him, then I will come personally to get you and you shall be my new head torturer in Hell,” Crowley offers.  
You take in a deep breath as you feel your phone start to vibrate in your pocket, you glance at it and see Dean’s contact pop up, you know you don’t have much time so you nod agreeing to Crowley’s offer.

You see Crowley smirk as he moves closer to you, you gasp as you hear the Impala’s door slam shut and you see Dean and Sam starting towards you. You don’t even think as you grab Crowley and pull him to you crashing your lips against his, sealing your fate.

“Son of a bitch,” you hear Dean curse as Crowley pulls away from you, a smirk on his face and he turns to the Winchesters.

“Hello boys, so nice to see you again, Y/n and I here were just discussing some business but now I shall be on my way,” Crowley turns to you, “I’ll see you in a month love,” he snaps his fingers and is gone.

You look down at the ground as Dean begins to yell at you, Sam manages to stop him and walks over to you. “Y/n, what did you do,” he asks gently making you look up at him.

“I just wanted to bring Cas back,” you whisper your voice cracking a little, as Sam starts to shake his head.

“Y/n, do you really think Cas is going to be happy knowing you sold your soul to bring him back,” Sam asks gently walking you over to the Impala.

“I know, but Sam I just couldn’t do it and even if I only have a month with him its better than nothing and besides when I am gone you guys will still have him to help you,” you mutter as Dean looks at you his eyes filled with rage.

“Is that seriously how you feel Y/n, that you are just expendable and that we will be okay knowing you are in Hell, how do you think Cas is going to feel knowing the woman he loves is going to spend an eternity in Hell for him,” Dean growls as he clenches his fist, you see him take in a deep breath trying to calm down.

“Dean, it’s my life and I can choose what I do with it,” you yell finally, which stops Dean cold, you swallow hard as you see how cold his eyes get when he glares at you.

“You’re right it is your life and you chose to just sell it, like it was nothing,” Dean snaps ripping open the Impala door, “get in we are going home and we are going to fix the mess you just created,” Dean growls daring you to say something. 

You sigh and climb into the backseat as Sam goes to your car and drives it behind the Impala. The tension is thick inside the Impala and you bite your lip as you try not to cry from the glares Dean keeps sending your way. 

***

Once you manage to make it to the bunker, you take off to your room not wanting to hear Dean yell anymore or see Sam’s sympathetic eyes. Your vision is blurred as you race into room, you gasp and stumble as you run head first into a warm, strong chest.

You start to fall backwards as strong hands catch you and help keep you upright. Your gaze slowly lifts from the floor up to familiar blue eyes. “Cas,” you breathe out before you wrap your arms around him.

“Y/n, how...am I back,” Castiel asks you as he hugs you back, breathing in your familiar scent. You don’t answer him, instead you just start sob and apologize over and over.

“Shh, Y/n, it’s okay, I am here now, I won’t leave you again I promise,” Castiel tries to console you but it only makes you cry harder.

Castiel manages to move you to your bed, he lays next you as you finally stop crying and slowly drift into unconsciousness. 

You wake up the next morning by yourself, you slowly creep out of your room to hear hushed voices in the library.

“She did what,” you hear Castiel’s voice full of shock and anger, you stay close to the wall as you creep closer hearing Dean.

“She sold her soul to Crowley to bring you back to life, she only has a month to live,” Dean mutters and you can just imagine him running his hand down his face.

You hear a chair scrape against the floor and footsteps coming closer, so you flee to your room, but when you get there Castiel is already standing there with his back to you. “What the hell have you done now, Y/n,” Castiel’s voice is full of anger and sorrow.

“Cas-please let me explain,” you start as Castiel turns around, you gasp as his blue eyes are glowing with grace, you know how mad he has to be for that to happen.

“Well, go on then explain why you thought selling your soul to bring me back was a good idea,” Castiel growls stepping closer to you. You swallow, backing up a little until your back hits the door behind you.

“How stupid are you to think, that I would want you to sell your soul for me,” Castiel continues, “I was dead and I was content with being dead because I knew you were okay and then you go and pull this.”

“Castiel, I couldn’t just let you die, okay, I love you and I didn’t want to live without you, so yes I sold my soul for you, and I know I have only a month left but I know Sam and Dean will do everything in their power to stop the deal,” you explain wringing your hands not looking at Castiel.

Castiel scoffs, “you humans are so selfish, and stupid,” he mutters more to himself but you heard it and to say it didn’t hurt would be a lie.

“Maybe so, but I did it because I love you and you love me right,” you ask finally looking up, seeing him shake his head a little.

“I don’t know anymore, Y/n,” he mutters and that’s when your heart breaks, it shatters in a million tiny pieces, never to be put back together again.

“Fine,” you whisper turning and leaving the room, you hear Castiel start to follow you but then he stops and you make your way down to the dungeon. 

You gather all the indigents you need and light the match, throwing it into the bowl.   
“Well, love I was not expecting to see you so soon,” Crowley remarks as he appears in front of you, “what can I do for you now.”

“I want to change the deal,” you say lifting your chin and Crowley smirks.

“Love, one month that was the deal, I will not extend it,” Crowley starts but you cut him off.

“No, I don’t want the month, I want to go now,” you say as Crowley stops clearly not expecting that.

“Well, this is unexpected what about your angel,” Crowley asks and you bite your lip shaking your head, “ah I see, well I can live with that, come here,” Crowley says motioning you over to him.

You walk over to him slowly and just as you reach his side, Castiel, Dean and Sam burst through the door. “Y/n, no what are you doing,” Dean yells as he starts towards you but Crowley flicks his hand stopping him.

“Well boys it seems she would like to go with me now, her little angel didn’t appreciate her efforts so if you will excuse us we have places to be and people to torture,” Crowley finishes smirking at Castiel.

Crowley snaps his fingers and the last thing you see is Castiel’s blue eyes filled with tears. 

***

Castiel hardly rested after that night, he searched for months on a way to get you back. He went to Heaven, he went to demons, he even tried to go to Hell, but he was met with failure every time. The brothers helped the best they could but even they didn’t get far, Crowley had Hell locked tight, there was no way to get you out. Until Castiel found a forgotten back entrance that nobody bothered to check anymore.

You, on the other hand, had become rather skilled in the following months, you learned not let your emotions rule you, you shut them off and threw away the key. You became the head torturer in no time, quickly getting results which Crowley was proud of. You never once complained or begged to go back, how could you, Castiel no longer loved you and the Winchesters, well they were better off without you anyway, you would think to yourself every night before you fell asleep listening to the screams of the damned. 

It had been eight months since you left with Crowley and started torturing in Hell for him. Eight months since you had even seen another human being or an angel. Of course those eight months felt like eighty years to you. You were so damaged and broken by now you couldn’t even realize how you threw your life away, and couldn’t care less.

***

A few days later you were in the middle of one of your sessions, when a demon runs into your torture room. “Head torturer, you have orders to go to your room and stay there,” the demon pants, out of breath from running. 

You sigh placing down the blade you had been using, “Ill finish you later,” you say to the poor soul as you leave the room accompanied by the demon. “Is there any particular reason why I am being banished to my room,” you ask wiping some blood off your hands.

The demon nods, “Crowley has been informed that the Winchesters and the angel are here in Hell,” he answers looking at you.

You sigh, “well they aren’t here for me, one of their friends must have died or something,” you say sounding bored as you reach your room.

You walk in hearing the lock click behind you, you sigh before changing out your bloody clothes and into something a little nicer. You lay on your bed reading a book when the door to your room is suddenly kicked in. You glance at the door seeing the Winchesters and Castiel standing there, “well hello, I would say it’s nice to see you but I could care less,” you say returning back to your book.

“Y/n, what the hell is wrong with you, we’re here to bring you home,” Dean announces as the three of them walk into your room.

“Dean, what are you talking about, can’t you see I’m already home,” you sigh sitting up and putting the book down, “Hell is my home now.”  
Castiel looks at you in shock, “they broke you,” he whispers pain lacing his voice as he steps closer to you.

“No, Cas, you did,” you say getting up and walking towards him, “you broke my heart that night; living in Hell, well I realized I could turn that pain and heartache off and I did,” you say smiling a little.

Sam turns to look at Cas, “Cas, what did you say to Y/n, that night to make her choose this,” Sam asks crossing his arms.

Castiel sighs but you answer for him, “oh, he didn’t tell you did he,” you smirk, “well he told me he didn’t love me, so I figured well I already sold my soul for the guy, I guess I don’t need to stick around,” you snarl hate filling your voice.

“Y/n, please I am sorry, I never meant for my words to come across that way, I was angry and I should have never said the things I did,” Castiel says trying to get through to you.

You shake your head, “but you did Cas, you still said them and there is no taking them back, now that you have wasted your time, you should leave, there is nothing for you here,” you mutter turning around intending to go back to your book. 

You stop when you feel Castiel’s hand on your elbow, you turn and he places two fingers on your forehead and you collapse into this arms, unconscious. 

***

You wake up in a familiar room, but it’s not your room in Hell, it looks like the bunker. You slowly sit up, glancing around, this can’t be happening, I’m supposed to be in Hell, you think to yourself. You go to stand up when you feel it, the emotions you had buried in Hell and had managed to turn off they were now bubbling to the surface. 

You gasp and sit down as all the anger, sadness, hurt, and betrayal flood to the surface and consume you, you feel the air get stuck in your throat and you panic. You feel as if everything is crushing down on you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. 

You look up as Castiel walks into the room and rushes over to your side, he pulls you over and begins rocking you slightly as you cry and try to process the onslaught of emotions. Castiel held you long after you had stopped crying and the panic you felt had eased. 

You hold on to Castiel as if he is an anchor in the storm, “I’m sorry,” you finally whisper your voice raw from the crying.

“You have nothing to apologize for, it should be me apologizing and begging for your forgiveness, which I intend to do,” Castiel whispers back squeezing you a little tighter. 

You sigh letting yourself believe for a moment that Castiel still loves you and wants to be with you. You feel Castiel stiffen and you lean away so you can look up at him. “What’s wrong,” you ask as he looks down at you pain evident in his eyes.

“Y/n, your soul,” he starts before looking away, you turn his face back towards you imploring him to finish.

“Your soul used to be so bright and full of life, now it is dull and corrupted with darkness and I know it is my fault, if I had just explained myself instead of letting you leave,” Castiel explains looking away again.

You nod pulling yourself away from him, “I get it, I’m broken now, I’m flawed, I understand you want nothing to do with me,” you whisper as you stand up.

Castiel stands up grabbing your arm and spinning you towards him, “no, that is not what I mean, Y/n, I love you, that is what I should have said all those months ago but I screwed it up, but I plan on making it up to you every way I know how and I will do everything in my power to make you believe that I love you with every fiber in my being,” Castiel whispers looking down at you and running his thumb across your cheekbone.

You nod slightly and you finally look at Castiel, you really look at him and you notice how tired he looks, not just from lack of sleep since angels don’t sleep, but you notice how his spirit or grace seems dimmed and how emotionally tired he looks.

“How long did you try to find me,” you whisper as Castiel sighs a little.  
“I have been looking for you ever since you disappeared with Crowley that night eight months ago,” Castiel mumbles closing his eyes and resting his forehead against yours.

You feel a spark of hope then that maybe just maybe things can start to rebuild again between the two of you and maybe someday you will be happy again.

***

Two years later

The panic attacks happen less often now than they used to, mostly because Castiel is always by your side the minute you feel it. Castiel had done everything he could to show you his love, at first it was just simply comforting you and being there for you. Then it moved to more physical things like kissing and heavy make out sessions. Then it finally evolved into what he called making love, you still blush a little every time you think about it. 

Finally, he had shown you the last way he could when he took you to a remote beach in Europe, the two of you spent the whole day there and that night under the stars he got down on one knee and proposed to you, you immediately said yes.

That was four months ago, you glance down at the beautiful sapphire ring that rested on your finger and smile as you feel Castiel wrap his arms around you from behind and plant a kiss on your neck. You know now that he loves you with every fiber in his being and you love him with every fiber in your being and nothing will ever pull the two of you apart again.


End file.
